Bienvenidos a Escuela Para Padres

tu espacio de recursos e información para ayudarte a educar a tus hijos en el siglo 21

Kim John Payne

Conecta- corrige- dirige

Change this week to pick up a theme that we're covered from time to time and various ways but want to put it put this sort of wave some of these things together a little bit and that's the way these three pieces of these three lovely steps when things aren't going well to first of all connect then correct and then off to that direct what I mean by that is so often we can find us elves and situations with their kids where we try to either correct them and you know and talk about what they do and is not not good at not that's not what what if you meant to do and that is not what we doing our family and and so and we move straight into that into that space or we move straight into the space of directing them where we tell them look for just leave it the right way I want you to go over end and it's like and you will direct your directing them right away You're directing them to do something let me work sometimes but your odds of that working a relatively low because the one missing piece is connecting with them first in terms of having a much better If you can and just so you know what it's it's.chance of a child between or a teen be able to take the correction you're making to what they've done and then follow a new direction that you're giving is to connect with them first what it mean by this is that that's a something as as gone wrong that being fresh to you you go there if something's going wrong with siblings or they're being defiant just it has it's not going well I'm they are refusing to to clean up their room if their only clean up their toys if they're little or it's just not going well. 

You were really helpful you were you know you helped out well we got that done we cleaned up all the stuff in the backyard and and then by the time the rain's kind of packed up you can be super helpful you can you can be really really helpful and and I know it but what's happening right now it's just not helpful it's it's it's just it's not now what you've done there is connect first right you two connected by giving a very practical base the last formation you just said on down beside them in heaven shouted from the Next Room you've taken some time just to sit and don't move and not sit of pacing about shouting out instructions but you've taken that just 10 or 15 seconds just to sit on down I just talked to them another reason this is particularly important obviously connecting is important obviously but why the Connecting Point when I and those of you who has ever had some of my stuff together and listen to his other podcast to know that I often talk about it that I've never met at a disobedient child ever and I've met some right little row today so I can tell you but I've never met a disobedient child what I've met is a disoriented to 1 so you'll be familiar with that it's a question of disorientation emotional they're emotionally lost doubt in that moment of disconnection to themselves to their environment to their brother their sister to you in that moment of disconnection of disorientation end and it's uncomfortable it's actually really uncomfortable for them if you sit on down beside them or just stand quietly nearby as best you can and remind them of a time when they were connected like the example I gave is bringing all the tools in from outside and how that was we did that really quickly and it was great in the rain came so quickly and we did it you know I know I know we can work together that's what you were saying in his many words by remembering that you're saying number one you're helpful and you can do that and number two we are connected and and nothing can change that this feeling that you have right now is fleeting because underneath that is a much bigger connection that you and I share you know you and your dad you and your mom and you and your grandparents who are all the guardian it wherever it is we have it at we have a connection that goes Way Beyond this moment right now and lastly this moment of connection you just Contra in possible to to give an affirmation a practical information the Practical remembering of when the kid was helpful you can't do that and be angry at the same time in other words it's signals to the child your appoint of consistency of your appoint of of your scented and your regulated because you can't give an affirmation and be destroyed you laid it it's almost like that's the only thing possible I guess you could Jake

We Direction and that saying hey look let's come back to this later that's just come back to this why don't we just go out and and and I'm going to fold some clothes to sit me with me while I fold the clothes and and you can do you know and you just go do what you just handle the child the that the clothes that are folded and they put them in the basket and you just get change at the left the key thing is you're doing something together does it does it really matter that that you haven't tidied the room yet don't really know I don't think so what mat is is is it is the child is now the teenager is now doing something that's a little bit Cooperative just a little bit and you're handing them some socks and they're putting it in a basket it's kind of a big deal but it starts the flow and if you do that for a few minutes it's much more possible to then you know pick one up and say okay come on let's go and clean up after that at your desk now and go back to the problem spot or let's go back and just see if we can make good with your brother cuz they were some pretty harsh words that you used to be the direction that you're giving in other the that the that the instruction you're giving comes on top of number one you've connected and you've been in a point of regulation for 4 kid the second one is it you have put a boundary in place you really have ADD where you corrected the behavior and you might even say things like you know really came out wrong something must be up because you know you don't know me speak like that but you know what you can tell me about it later because I clearly you're angry at the moment can try to talk a kid's a lot when they're angry is not a great idea we all know that and then finally when you direct a case of we going to do this that this that you're going to do doesn't always have to be the problem spot the this can be something else 

And then Okay again as always I hope that's going to help a little bit but if nothing else remember that before you correct and direct try to make a connection okay bye bye for now